-

i just don't realise you still affect me so much
it's just that you've always been here

so far.

i feel insignificant.

i haven't really been talking to anyone and i still am not in the mood too. i'm still trapped in japan, there's so much of me that has changed but i can't articulate it to anyone. sorry for disappearing :(

Is there something wrong with me? There are a bunch of Singaporeans in J-Hopper's backpackers' singing (a floor above) pop songs and strumming a guitar. I don't want to join them. In fact, I feel sort of negative about it. Am I envious, or am I shunning everything that reminds me of home? I don't know what I"m feeling at 3:30am.

Kyoto is so overwhelming - it seems like there's something at every spot on the map. There seems to be a lack of places where I can just wander around aimlessly, and even when I search "off the beaten track Kyoto" (I hate crowds), they are just places with more temples, gardens and paths. I need to do more research, but I am tired. Maybe it's really okay for me to be here without doing anything. I sat on the bus and wrote a lot today, for the first time.

i do not want to return to Singapore. I feel much more independent after the 1.5 months, that I don't really need people. It's the state I've always hoped to be in - independent and less affected by others. This feeling is great - I don't want to return to Singapore and get used to people, because I know I will eventually get used to them and get attached to them. And attachment means hurt, because people are not meant to stay. We are islands. When I'm alone in Japan, there are no expectations of anybody at all.

I tell myself that people are individuals, and when I'm abroad alone, it feels real. It feels real because truly, I am alone, and am enjoying myself so so so much. I like myself so much more when I'm alone - I'm so much better with directions, I reflect so much more, I learn so much from talking to the strangers I've met. I do not do anything to please others, or unintentionally get their attention. Everything is done without the thought that somebody else is watching. But will "we are meant to be alone" feel real when I'm back in Singapore, surrounded by people whose warmth I might crave?

I don't know why I don't seem to enjoy my time here in Kyoto. I feel like I dread going home, and having to pack and move back into Tembusu immediately. I feel like I want to spend my time relaxing here, to collect myself before I return to the hectic lifestyle. It's not that I do not like Kyoto, I just.. I'm just tired.

I don't want to return to Singapore, and there is so much more I want to say, but even when I'm on a holiday, I can't sleep at ungodly hours and wake up feeling refreshed the next morning. My body has begun to break down, I have to sleep.

So i was thinking if i've learnt anything from my trip so far, if i've experienced any events that has helped me grow. I thought, not really. Well, perhaps not anything for me to write about, but small little conversations with people like Nabil remind me to have a greater heart for people.

He said, "you know, we have "ying guo ren", "zhong guo ren", "mei guo ren", but in the end the word "ren" remains unchanged. We're all still human, we're the same. It's difficult in Japan, you know, there's the language barrier. I really want to know the language and know people. Not to earn money, but just to talk to them."

I told him my aim of this trip was to live the life of a Japanese, and that it's sad that we have this language barrier, it makes things impossible. Nabil said this is exactly why he was motivated to study chinese. He's excellent at it, even if you don't consider the fact that he's actually from Manchester.

-

Yamaguchi-san was kind enough to help me with the booking of the bus tickets, and I'm ever so thankful to have an RA like him. Wee Kian is a really helpful individual who enjoys learning about others, and Ee Faye is so open to people, so refreshing. Wan shares her things with people without hesitation, and Flair reminds me of myself sometimes.

From the people I talked to, I also learnt that some of my friends from china are not as open about inter-racial relationships or homosexuality. I think it takes time for them to be able to accept it, and China is still a developing country afterall. We got to give it time, not look down on them. We are all humans afterall.

My past 2-3 weeks have mostly been spent with Joseph, and we've established that we won't talk to each other when we're back in Hong Kong and Singapore respectively, since we're both not people to initiate conversations. We don't talk about our emotions or our deepest thoughts, but I do know bits of him, as a person. I don't open up in front of him, and sometimes I don't know if he's actually interested to listen. But I do enjoy our trips to places far away.

I don't hang out with the NUS group much because I don't really like groups. During class today, I asked myself if I'm keeping to myself again, not stepping out of my barrier. I keep hanging out with either Joseph or Chun Wee individually because they like 1 to 1 hangouts too. Should I be meeting more people? I don't know, but the occasional chats with other people do fine.

-

Supangkat just posted on the Tembusu page about him donating some books to the 12th floor lounge. I thought, this is the reason why I love Tembusu so much - everybody is so helpful and sharing.

I don't know exactly what it means to grow as a person. I don't want to grow for myself, I want to grow for other people.

My thoughts and the words i say don't always correspond to each other, i realized.

the japanese i talk to don't really like having photos of themselves taken. Japanese in general, actually.

Best trips: 

Yanaka with Wan,

Kawagoe with Joseph

Chiba (Goi, Kouhuudai) with Joseph

Mount Takao with Chunwee&Weekian

completely exhausted, but so eventful. I'm getting used to travelling with people, and it's great talking to the locals. 

Sometimes i feel my anxiety is crippling. Sometimes i feel i can be so much more capable without it, and i shouldn't have been afraid of so much as a kid. i am better at many things than i think, but the past.. perhaps 17 years of results (not just academic, but in music etc) made me believe that i simply am not adequate. i just want to be better, have all this tension leave my body, and do things proper. For once.

The trip makes me worry, as much as I am really looking forward to it. I really hope I will learn to worry less. Last night I felt this deep insecurity consuming me, of needing to hug someone, to be assured that I am not alone in this world, that I will not lose the ones I love. I distance myself from people just to make sure I won't fall rock-bottom when i lose them. This is not rational but the emotions are real. These thoughts make me feel like a kid. To grow up is to get rid of this anxiety.

always look beyond yourself

Take initiative (if you want it)

Distant

calm

do i live in the future

i am too tired to properly talk to anyone. there are so many things i have to do, and i don't even allow myself the time to watch a film. paprika, the one they recommended. instead, i sit here and procrastinate because i really am tired. i worry about so many things every waking moment.

i have been worried about the issue of money (so so much), of planning the route for my japan trip. i need to study for my psychology test. i need to do my squats and calf raises and sit ups and planks and push ups and HIITs, but i fail to do them daily. i'm so tired that i don't feel like meeting or talking to anyone for the next week, even though i kind of do fine when i'm with them. everything sets in when i sink in, uncomfortably, into the chair.

i haven't been playing music, or listening to music. i haven't been doing anything i like. i've been working towards achieving goals, and when these numerous goals pile up into a mountain, the joy gets sucked out.

-

I don't think people can tell. A customer I was serving thanked me for my very friendly service and talked to me afterwards. He asked me to never 'lose that streak in (me)'. Me? Outgoing? Nah. I just want to curl up on my bed and FINISH PLANNING FOR THE TRIP AND GET TO STUDYING. FOR REAL.

-

and this is my life right now: doing things that will be good for me.

-

pardon my rants.

a three and one third hour call with nic. Not that the number of hours should matter - i just can't stop being obsessed with keeping track of numbers, especially when it's regarding something important to me. i'm grateful for the few people who remind me to look at the world with wonder.

it's great to have a friend who knows my history, where i came from and how different i was in the past. i think you can always try to explain your past to someone, but s/he will never fully understand. Because to her, you are the impression she has of you.

i like how we are from different worlds, yet so similar in our beliefs and struggles. She reminds me of why i am here i am today, and i should really cherish my opportunities here. We've both grown from the young escapist girls who met on the first day of band camp to.. this. Nic, you've really grown and i think you're wonderful even if you don't necessarily think so (and won't actually read this).

---

During today's session, I learnt that i'm really too detached from my emotions. For two whole years i've been feeling numb, pushing my thoughts away - because thoughts mean emotions, and emotions mean irrationality, weakness, being dysfunctional, and basically being in the state I was in in the past. I don't want to tell anyone about things because i just know i'll cry, and tears mean I have not grown from my past self. I no longer want to be that pathetic, confused girl.

I now struggle to write posts, and have conditioned myself to push my emotions aside, but tell myself it's alright because I am more rational and functional. Or perhaps not really 'alright', for I have also gotten so used to not thinking that it shows in my work and everyday activites. I feel dead, like a floating soul. Pushing my emotions aside doesn't seem to be working.

She said, "it's not about pushing your emotions aside, it's about learning how to deal with them.". There and then, i realised that the girl who put so much emphasis on emotional maturity and knowing herself had disappeared.

And I really want her back.

As I grow older, I've learnt to tell myself that there isn't anybody I cannot live without. Every time the distance between myself and the one I care about the most grows, I tell myself to move on, survive. I wallow in sadness for months and up to a year, find new people whom I may never be as close to and spend time with them in hopes of filling up that gap. Sometimes the new people bring surprises that I am ever so thankful for, sometimes we move on for we know we were only there due to circumstances.

But is that the truth, that there isn't anybody I cannot live without? There are people who light up my life much more than others do. I can survive without them, but they remain irreplaceable. Here's to two of my best friends I've ever had at some point in my life - Sarah and Fed. I have not talked to them in a while, and I shall. And to the ones I am growing to love: you know who you are :)

When have I learnt to abstain from indulging in my emotions? i dislike talking to people who do not know me well enough to accept all that i am, because that saltish liquid is right near the edge of my lids. i tell others a small portion of you, they do not know about the many other things i think of when i think of you.

today i will focus on the things i like about you, instead of the things i do not. i like how we can remain silent, how we do still fundamentally accept each other. i like how we are different and that i've grown as a person, i like how you are secure, i like how you push me to act on my promises. i like how ridiculously child-like you can actually be, i like how we are simply ourselves. but these are not enough, and i am torn. i will not focus on the negative and i will miss you in these 2 - 3 months. things will be different, and i will be almost completely alone when i am in Japan for the 1.5 months, and perhaps in time to come. i do not know, but for now, we will take the time to grow on our own.

i hope to pick up some pieces of myself in the foreign land and return as version closer to the one i want to be.

Sunday Morning before the exams

this morning, my neighbour (a hong kong exchange student) walked up to me and said "when are you going to play music again? I miss being able to close my eyes in a room with a half-opened door, listening to the sound of the piano and your voice. Please play again?"

Except for the fact that the voice wasn't mine, (neigh, jet and i were preparing for our Sappore performance weeks ago) it was something great to hear. i've never ever thought of being good enough for others to appreciate whatever i play.

i flipped through instagram, looked at some a'level art prep work by others and thought of how sucky i was as an art student back then. i feel mediocre all the time, be it art or music. but i love music, and you strive not just to be good for yourself, but for the enjoyment of others as well.

school has been draining me of energy. yesterday we pretended to be salespeople to 'test our skills'. i want to explore and do something i can do, something not within the confines of school.

-

Fun fact: there's music playing in my head all the time and this happens to be the one in there right now. I haven't actually watched the drama Autumn in my Heart.


Reason (piano instrumental)

In secondary one, I happened to have the 'autumn in my heart ost' in my computer and got excited when my choir senior said he had the score. So he lent it to me, with labelled notes and all. i noticed a few wrongly labelled ones and before returning it him, stuck a post-it note saying "thanks for lending me the score! i found a few wrongly labelled notes and have corrected them for you!". maybe it was a bad decision, cause he stopped being friendly to me afterwards. i really wasn't trying to be smart or anything, but he might have saw it that way.

after that i tried not to correct others' mistakes, especially if the person is of higher authority (even though s/he might not know things better than i do in a particular field). feel like the better way would be to be able to properly phrase my sentences. /end random thought.

5 days

we can do this

Learnt

I think i have met the two most wonderful teachers on earth who believe in the true value of learning :') perhaps the best way to help a person learn is to not necessarily punish him for his mistakes, but to forgive him.

All these weeks, in my attempts to concentrate on my work, i kind of shut music out from my life because it distracts me. Didn't realise how dead i am without it. maybe this place just isn't for me, i feel so trapped doing things i'm not inclined towards. I like the people in school, I like what I'm studying even though i'm not particularly good at it. But there are things i'm happier doing and this really isn't it. i can't seem to find my motivation, or my drive, or anything. not at all. It's not that I can't do these things. I just can't seem to clear my mind, to get myself to concentrate on nothing but these words in front of me that actually have such amazing content.


because this is just too special

Love and commitment are different things. You can't really choose love, but you can choose commitment. Make your choice and live with it.

go out and get what you want.

my friends are singing outside but i'd rather not join. the music's so foreign. i don't feel like myself.

"A Lesson On Neurology

Today I learnt that we use 73 percent of our cerebrum
on logical explanations that require
no sentiments. And the remaining 27 percent
(meagre, I should say)
is the filament for your burnt out heart.

And did you know that the brain stem is a metaphor
for the electrical junction in which all wires meet?
So we instinctively try our best to protect
the fragile neck, perhaps in a logical attempt
to protect ourselves from damaging the brain.

Another logical move.

But look, where’s the balance and stability
that should be there? If you take a look
at this messy pile of grey mass and try
to make sense of it, it only makes sense if
emotions and rational decisions
weigh equally.

See, when I’m with you, my two hemispheres
switch roles. Our fingers make love for the first
time and the neural pathways leading up to my
cerebral cortex light up.

I let you hug me like a noose;
smelt you the way suffocation
did. And still, I kicked away
the chair beneath my feet —
the delicate neck snapped.

Now, where’s the logic in that?

You see, the brain, the organ the size
of two fists put together, is a difficult
chaos to comprehend. If we should
ever weigh the two sides of mine on a
scale,

the scale would never
come to rest.

My neural activities are excessive, too much.
The lovebirds of my synapses talk softly
to one
 another. Dendrites holds dendrites.
My body gaining not weight but rather,
everything the world has given me,
 stuffed
in the rivers and valleys of my mind, the 
folds
and grooves of pink-grey matter.

My neurons travel through the pathways on
my back; the curvature of a 
heartbroken spine,
and I forget how to process, with logic, the secretive
messages they send back. I forget how
to breathe; I get these shallow interrupted fluxes
of blood, heavy asphyxiated heart beats.

All of this, because my cerebrum
relies too heavily on the right instead of
the left; because I perpetually swing
between the two; because with you, my left
hemisphere forgets how to work; because
my hands are too small to hold my feelings
when they should come crashing down.

People have tried, for years, to study
the pathology of the brain. But how do
you grasp something that cannot be
sliced apart, and how do you attempt
to cure melancholy, grief, pain, when
they are so deep-rooted within your
central nervous system.

If I could, I would
rewire all of us,
so we would never
feel off-balance
again;

all I want is stable ground."

--

stumbled upon this. from amabilidad.wordpress.com

don't let fear stop you from travelling

http://homeiswheretheinternetis.blogspot.sg/2014/04/dont-let-fear-stop-you-from-traveling.html?spref=fb

Last Night

we're different now. the way you left early, your irritability. our unwillingness to deal with each other, dragging our other friend into this. things have disintegrated, but i'll try again after the end of this period. i still care for you a lot.

i went around the hall looking for the few people i really want to have photos with after Melissa and Fedeline left. George, Kellynn, Jethro, Naomi and Derwin. and Lycia who wasn't there. i bumped into a few friendly faces i liked as well. i would write more but there are only 5 minutes left to write.

the two of us walked over to Sappore for 10 minutes, had two sips of beer each before passing the rest to Naomi. went back to the room to pack up the things strewn over the bed while preparing for the formal dinner. we had a nice, simple, quiet moment which i'll remember in the form of written words and feelings.

and thank you lycia, for bringing me back to my emotions, for being someone who understands things from my perspective. everybody needs validation, we give as much as we can. we do everything with love for others and ourselves. 

Given up trying to hope for the things they have

just for.. laughs?

So people should know I'm a perfectionist - but not in the good way most of the time, because it made me a procrastinator. And I'm scrolling through facebook cause I've semi-given up on handing in my assignment on time cause it's going to be lousy given the little time I have anyway. 

So I found one of these thought catalog articles (in its annoying 15thingsyoushouldknow-ness) that made me go "that's so totally me" but won't help me in any productive way -- more procrastination. I bet the author wrote it as a way to cope with her approaching deadline.

But well, '15 struggles of being both a perfectionist and a procrastinator' is so, so, so true and....

.. i better get off the internet because this doesn't help me in any way. AT ALL.

-

1. This is the life cycle of you trying to do basically anything.

2. … which is to say, you immobilize yourself because things aren’t turning out perfectly, so you have no interest in working on them anymore.

3. You become way too familiar with next-day deadlines and general panic about how you’re going to get something done in such a short period of time…

4. Mostly because you’re going to spend at least 1/3 of the time you have left complaining about what you have to do so you can avoid it that much longer.

5. You induce panic attacks because you know you need to get to work but you are overwhelmed with just not wanting to — mostly because oh-my-god-it’s-not-perfect-and-probably-never-will-be.

6. Somewhere along the line, you realize that your desire for perfection is rooted in something probably existential and #deep, and if you’re unexperienced in the art of Being Unstable, you’ll probably let yourself fall down a k-hole of contemplating why you’re a horrible person, which is often part of the procrastination/perfectionism breakdown.

7. When you do actually get something done, you’ll realize it took you twice as long as it would anybody else, and that makes you wonder if it’s because you wanted it to be perfect, or you’re just lazy and were putting it off.

9. You have lofty goals and yet no real desire to do the work it takes to achieve them.8. You frequently decide you’re going to put something off until you do something else — but then you freak out because that thing isn’t perfect, so you actually wind up deeper down your anxiety trap than before.

10. Somewhere in your parents’ house lies a yellowed and crinkly report card saying that you have “so much potential, but no inclination to actually do the work.”

11. In fact, you were about that easy A life, and didn’t necessarily dislike school, but only liked it when you were in class studying a subject you were freakishly talented at — or rather, that you could pretend you were.

12. You often find yourself turning down dates from people who are plenty cute or plenty smart or plenty engaging, but you find that one flaw, and can never look past it ever again.

13. Somewhere on the Internet, there is a secret, never-ending Pinterest wall filled with all of the DIY projects and hairstyles you swear you’re going to actually do, but I mean, all that DIY requires a lot of work, so…

14. You are horribly up front about telling people all of your greatest flaws, so that they never expect more from you than your absolute lowest — no matter how many times you’ve proven otherwise.

15. You have turned down your dream job out of some irrational fear that you’re going to get fired, are a horrible fraud, and/or are really just horribly qualified and it was some fluke of luck that got you through the system anyhow.

-

more time wasted. 

you make me feel content, accepted. In silence, in random mutterings.

but i return to my room, discontent. so much more could be done with those few hours, so much more could be done with my life. i want to be inspired, stimulated, to have the drive to be an improved version each day, in the way i want to be better.

but you make me content in this nothingness we share, at least when we are next to each other. people say they can simply stare at the wonders of nature, thinking of nothing. do i not know how to enjoy the simplicity of life?

you are motivated, you have the drive to be better, you remind me to not be stuck in this lull.

but we grow in such different ways. we both understand the concept of growth, we simply take very different steps.

but you remind me to be better.

-

i am the one with the problems.

i am currently insufficient for myself, to be able to find concrete ways to grow in the ways i want to.

i want to be perfect to gain acceptance. i lack the certainty, the confidence. i let myself drown in my worries. i second-guess myself. i stop myself from trying.

-

it is a privilege to have people who remind you of growth. i let myself feel sad over the loss of a  friend, unable to let go. let myself withdraw. there are people who can connect with me, yet i'm too tired and withdrawn to initiate.

there are wonderful people out there who appreciate you, you have to initiate. stop shutting the world out. just stop.

tell them you appreciate them too. be the first to reach out. just go.

-

there is no point thinking about the meaninglessness of existence.
reach out to people now, the ones you admire and are intimidated by.

go.

you need to get out of this place.

you are growing, but slowly, and not necessarily in ways you want to. yes, no path taken is wasted, but there are options. better options, though unknown.

need to do something. will start by writing about sunday.
after deadline.

Phoenix - Countdown (acoustic)

there are the songs you post over and over again.
every pluck of the string seems to melt away
a little bit of the cold, softening calluses bit by bit
even for just a while.

-

better lies somewhere, not here.

theirs not taken into account of.

'how do you know you love a person?'

how? you know they love you, but don't feel or understand it.

harmed and unable to love. we want to believe love exists, and we wait. we don't search for it, we don't initiate the search, because we're too harmed to try. we wait for someone with outstretched arms, to tell us we can fall safely into it. we're all capable of loving another person with all we can, regardless of how battered we are, and we want to.

it seems like it shouldn't take another person to convince us we can. everyone is hurt, some more so than the others. it takes more to give to a person who is plastered with wounds, so we simply give what we can. don't focus on how much the other person needs to fill you up in order for you to feel safe.

simply give what you can, simply that.

closed

Dear mom i've always wanted to travel solo and explore a country, because you rarely get to do that with other people. I want to be responsible for my own decisions and absorb myself in a place for as long as I want. Japan will be my first destination, just because I've always been drawn to it and the past two visits with the family and the school didn't help me learn much about it. I want to breathe the air of the countryside and will save up for summer school, 2015.

6 more weeks left in this room

may we try with broken strings? we've read the ending of the story, there is a deadline. we're near the end and i want to continue reading till this breaks.

but the one who lets go first always has the say.

:(

how ironic that i write less when i have more in there.

please hang on.

feel like my everyday aim is to get my schedule in order, or else everything else will collapse.

I channeled all my emotions into Hana wa Saku, a beautifully sad piece I've never expressed myself that well with until last afternoon (thanks to my mood). Feeling sufficiently satisfied, I tried my luck and my friend (who usually plays the duet with me) came to school within half an hour for an impromptu session - we played the best we ever did. Some parts of the night was spent jamming with two other friends too. 8 hours of music in a day was great, though I still need so much more space from all that is going on in my mind. Don't think anyone will comprehend.

This afternoon I walked off and cracked the phone. Everything went back to square one.

--

Hana wa Saku was produced to build support for Japan's 3.11 earthquake in 2011:

Hana wa Saku (flute and piano duet)

Hana wa Saku (trumpet and Piano duet)

Hana wa Saku (solo)

http://www.nhk.or.jp/japan311/flowers/about.html

Radiohead - Melatonin

Don't forget that you are our son
Now go back to bed

We just know that you are ours
You won't cry too hard

Death to all who stand in your way

Sitting here thinking about my sense of self worth, and how my teacher always reminds us that we live to be in the service of others.

Our value is in what we can contribute to others at different points in time and in vastly differing ways, not just in the simplest sense of what we're capable of achieving. It's time to stop being immersed in our own little worlds.

when there are problems, know that it usually stems from yourself
settle your side of the story before dragging other people in.

Rationalize and Deal.

it feels like loneliness dictates that i have to feel connected with someone, yet I don't know who and how and therefore do not want to. this loneliness is the lack of expression and stems from my feelings of inadequacy and that is that.

Frank Ticheli - Amazing Grace
(put this on repeat today)



Chopin meets Ghibli

withdrawal

from a several days back:
most fulfilled sitting alone watching a good movie

Head or heart?

you know what,
no.
-

the only lack is distance.
may i try with a breaking string?

physicalist

certain, occasional

thoughts of speaking to you

against reason.

stubbornness established that 

hesitation is good.

to be placed in a sterile void

free from emotion

will help formulate all plans

for the future.

the lack of it or what of it.

the head will

keep you in a safe bubble.

and strangely

this heart wants to be governed.

at this time x.

for y

She opened up a can of worms
which they say shouldn't be entertained

manipulation

Is

I used to think that 'letting someone go' doesn't make sense. I mean, if you've carefully selected the people whom you've decided to keep close to you, then these relationships are meant to transcend all boundaries. Isn't letting go of something with so much potential not doing justice to it at all? 

Maybe i still think this way; i try to be rational about things but beneath it all i am still the same person wanting to hold onto my ideals. There is a disjunct between what i should think, and what i do think. I used 'used to think' because i do not fully believe in committing to such ideals anymore.

This morning i submitted a response paper, a review of 'the death of ivan ilych' by leo tolstoy. It asks of us to accept what is. A dying man realises it is not about the end of life, but the end of death. Death simply is. 

It simply is existence, is there a need to live up to ideals we create when everything will eventually crumble? The crumbling does not need to occur.

"what distinguishes great writers is their ability to tap into Humanity's collective consciousness"

- comment on goodreads, on why Leo Tolstoy is a good writer

constants and variables

don't you get it? I won't roam if there's a constant, just one, for me to hold onto. you appear to have disappeared, and they are part of my search for that constant, or to be one of the few constants in the different worlds i exist in. until then, i will be lost amongst a sea of variables. Given, certain variables tend more towards being a constant, and i appreciate that dearly even if i give the illusion that i do not. thus i will not give up the search.

you ask of me to call them constants, that i should not see them as variables, that if i make the effort to spend time then they must be of value. you ask of that because? our emotions are our reactions to things. it seems like my presence agitates you, and i can only speculate. there is no confusion between my spending time with constants, and my spending time searching for the constants. it is this distinction that makes the gap between myself and others so visible.

i would very much like to see some of them as constants as well, but there is never enough feelings of safety to do so. you see, it always boils down to ourselves, as ugly as it may seem. I want to call all these people my friends, but i don't feel enough safety to. To call someone a friend is to commit, to unconsciously set expectations, to be disappointed. I set high standards, high barriers, to protect myself from falling. Perhaps you see this as pride and you can't stand it. and perhaps it really is.

such a self-indulgent post. i just needed to get this out. now that the purging is done, it's time to step back and look at it another way. a view more focused on others.

We're the person we least want to be. I hate how you're so overbearing, yet..

Words most in need of being expressed are silenced by yourself. They can't hear of such

frustration. screaming.

You don't always have to rationalize your thoughts. Your body says more than you think. I observed myself dragging the luggage, eager to move forward, as though I wanted to run away from the thoughts in my head then.

the day started off with a happy, sweet tune from my friend:


Michael Buble - Everything


so I added some layers, some old favourites:


Sara Bareilles - Gravity


Ingrid Michaelson - Sort of


Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am


Tristan Prettyman - Glass Jar

You know, conflicted is such a good word.

I kept checking the phone that doesn't ring, reading those words over and over again, splotches of colours in shades of emotion, knowing our distance is approaching. We will be close only by relation. She asked, what is this yearning? I managed a sigh.

Why do we always spiral out of control whenever we are in each others' presence? Do I really not feel?

Soon I will have nothing and nobody left. Not on the sandy pitches nor the loose sheets.

please tell me when the end will be.

PHOENIX 1501, 15th January 2014, 

Star Theatre

/

Phoenix - Countdown (Acoustic)

You pay for emotional highs you get from the concert as much as you do for the music (both can't be stripped from the other), and as much as the highs I got was all I expected, a stripped down version of Countdown was particularly intimate. The rest of the concert exceeded my expectations, but I never expected an acoustic which allowed me to thoroughly enjoy the music instead of comparing it a set of standards in my head. Thomas Mars jumped into the audience with the guitarist (I must admit I do not know his name), the entire theatre was dark except for that single spotlight on them. He plucked the strings of guitar, a lullaby version of countdown. For the first time I could hear Tom's voice clearly and appreciated it for what it was.

The youtube video above is similar to yesterday's rendition.

-

Yesterday's concert was amazing.

Phoenix is my favourite band. These days I prefer the music of Radiohead, Aerosmith, Sara Bareilles, Shibata Jun, wind bands and many many other random songs, but there is something special about phoenix. I once declared it as my favourite band and it feels like no other band can take its place because I never put my mind to giving them a label of "favourite". Or perhaps we just have favourites at different times and the labels are special even though the substance don't mean the most. The special feelings gush back in waves whenever you return to them - sometimes you wonder how many favourites can we actually own?

They were great live, in all aspects. I screamed at the first few notes of Run run run echoing in my eardrum (it is my favourite song), joined the crowd in Lizstomania (which is the Phoenix anthem, really), grooved a little awkwardly at If I Ever Feel better (because I don't know the friends I went with well at all), pretended to be the drummer for Armstice, felt a rush during a guitar duet, was surprised they played long distance call (because it wasn't in the setlist we referred to), amazed by the fiery red screen complimenting Love like a Sunset.

While they were playing my favourite songs (Run Run Run, Lizstomania, If I Ever Feel Better, Love like a sunset, Rome, 1901), I was a little caught in between recording or enjoying it live. I have a fear of losing memories - recording them down would serve as memory cues to the performance I know I wouldn't ever forget but might not easily recall, but it does take away the full enjoyment. I ended up recording the first two and the acoustic version of countdown...

-

Anyway the concert ended with a bang - they returned for three Encores. (Countdown acoustic, Rome, Entertainment). Tom jumped into the audience and walked to the back of the theatre, the long mic cord trailing behind him. The audiences passed the cord along in a straight line as he received all forms of affection from screaming, kissing, touchy fans who eventually carried him back onto the stage. Magic happened when the first guy in white jumped onto the stage and many others followed - it felt like one of those fabulous roll call scenes, with the audience part of it.

-------------

The night was amazing, and I was amazed by the stage in general. Here are a few more:

---

This semester I wish to be more articulate and honest with myself again. There is no hurry in anything, and I am glad to be in the presence of those who make me feel I can be better, with much ease and comfort. Especially in terms of writing and music.

Be of no hurry to express; those who understand that everyone takes his own time will listen at his own pace. Always offer your time: 'more of you, less of me'.

周杰倫 - 回到過去

making a photobook for my friend. this song is so apt.
well, just half of the lyrics and all of the music.

-

finally addressed what's been left unsaid on the same few steps where I got closer to my first actual friend in Tembusu. Some were done in the comforts of the space technology offered - it was a rather good closure nonetheless.

tomorrow marks the last day of my relatives' visit to singapore. This is more of a trip for my grandmother, to let her have some fun before she's too old to get on a plane.

my cousin is now in the room, sobbing about how she's afraid that times with our grandmother would not last. I am sitting calmly here, detached from the whole situation.

Being away from everyone besides my immediate family since I was two, I realised I feel little attachment to my relatives. I do not know how to care for the elderly or people beyond my immediate circle, I'm not used to family gatherings nor do I see the point in interacting with large groups of people that are not part of my life.

their visit might seem to paint a pretty picture of reunion, but honestly, this made me realise how I am incapable of extending concern to those I'm supposed to be closely related to. Having interacted with my aunt and cousin more, sending them off seemed to be a more instinctive thought.

Care is not about obligations.

-

I feel like I'm given so little freedom and trust at home. There's so much about the world I wanted to explore. On the small little roadtrip, it took me so long to convince them that exploring a new area would be fine since we had a map. As reluctant and paranoid and fearful as they were, and as much as we had arguments on how there is absolutely no need for such fear, they seemed to have enjoyed the adventure (of missed turns etc). I feel that I had a little bit of control of my life for once; that if I tried hard enough to convince others of what I believed in, I could get a chance to win their trust and even let them understand where I am coming from.

I want to be able to make my own decisions. As restrictive as my parents may be, there must be a way where I can convince them of the joy of exploration and mistakes. The past years have taught me to embrace mistakes - and it is about time they did too. Perhaps it is our time to help our parents grow too.

张国荣 - 我

there is a certain lure of things that remind you of your roots.

on days where even my favourite songs don't satisfy, i read the lyrics of the language instinctive to me but don't think in terms of. there are the song lyrics you understand, the ones you believe in, and the ones you hope to believe in but can't.

-

I am what I am　
我是　我多麼特別的我

多慶幸　大地有不只一種足印
神造世人　種種色色都有他公允
我很慶幸　站在我屋頂快樂做人
拿著我心　告訴世界何謂勇敢
...

＊我是什麼　在十個當中只得一個
葡萄園裡　響起水仙子的讚歌
我是什麼　是萬世沙礫當中一顆
石頭大這麼多　我也會喜歡這個我

我很慶幸　萬物眾生中磊落做人
懷著誠懇　告訴世界何謂勇敢

＊我是什麼　在十個當中只得一個
葡萄園裡　響起水仙子的讚歌
我是什麼　是萬世沙礫當中一顆
石頭大這麼多　感激天生這個我

at this point i should write some absurdist piece and wrap it in a strange piece of music, if i'm able to write one that defies the conventional flow of chords.

Tokyo Kosei - Nuovo Cinema Paradiso

collected parcel and left it somewhere. discounted moleskines my friends and i bought online. was lost in thoughts and unaware of surroundings as usual. what is wrong with me.

today i woke up and felt like if things continue, i will be capable of writing an absurdist piece.

when in doubt turn to music

trapped

On the train

I feel none of it

stop trying to show people who you are.
gets on the nerves.

i can't see beyond the present.

home

In the dead of night - flakes of monochrome with the exception of reflective surfaces bringing to life the colour of lights.

This is what i return to time and time again, the only thing that untangles my mind. 

All my headache-stricken self could manage last night was a photo even though my fingers were itching so badly to play on it; so i sat myself down this afternoon till 11 to practice the technicalities - scales and some pieces i haven't touched since forever.

Feel like this is the discipline i've lacked all these years. The only option is to get better. 

holidays will be dedicated to

1) the technicalities of music-making
2) reading up on more philosophy.
3) creating two art pieces (just to scrape some rust off)

"It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” 

~ Edgar Allan Poe